This is my story.

This is infertility.
This is my story.

It’s not one of those stories that have a happy ending. Where after months and months of trying, it just miraculously happened.

It’s a story of pain.
It’s a story of frustration.

Our story starts years ago when we made the decision to adopt.  We wanted our family to start that way.

But here’s the thing about that: people assume things, they judge things.
So many people assumed back then we weren’t able to have kids and we settled for adoption.

Which couldn’t have been further from the truth.

We were intentional about the way our family was formed.
So we ignored those people and continued on with our lives.

I worked hard. 
I was busy.
The kids filled our hearts with love and our home with laughter.

Then we were staring infertility right in the face.
Months turned to years.
The waiting.
The anticipation.

And then the realization that it wasn’t happening.

And the sadness became too much.

You see we were stuck in this infertility trap.
And no one knew.
Those people who had assumed earlier had no idea.
Our families thought we were just focused on our business and our lives.

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But inside we were fighting the silent fight of our lives.

And then came the questions.
Do you ever want your own kids?
Are you just going to have those two?
When are you going to have a baby?

Well meaning questions that accidentally pierced a knife through our hearts.

And we were stuck.
Stuck in this world that we couldn’t even have imagined.
How do we tell people?
How do we grieve this without feeling like our kids still matter? Without still being so grateful for the family we did have?
Does that somehow make our family less?  Our kids not as real?

What do we do now?

And so I avoided.  
I cried tears in silence.
I left family gatherings early.
I excused myself to the bathroom.
And I drowned myself in tears.

But the hardest question of all to answer was our own son’s.

Mama, you think you’ll ever have a baby grow in your belly instead of your heart?

I froze.
I could not think of one thing to say to him.

And so this is our story.
No happy ending.
At least not yet.

I wrote this about six months ago.  I'm sharing not because I want you to feel sad for me.  I share this because I want someone whose feeling this way right now to know that they are not alone.  I share this because it's important to understand our story as we continue to share what our journey with endometriosis has been like.